Unless you know me very well, most people are not aware that I am an introvert. Painfully shy, social situations fill me with anxiety, and leave me longing for a cosy corner and a book. A viral cartoon explains how the introvert is in a human hamster ball, their bucket of energy relentlessly drained by other people, desperately needing to ‘recharge’ by curling up alone. It’s not about being a recluse, or hating people (… though that sometimes comes into it). It’s the fact that my energy comes from space and quiet – if I’ve spent all day in a loud environment, it’ll take me a day of doing my own thing to recover. A day of blankets and books and as little noise as possible.
I’ve always been like this. As a child, even family friends coming around saw me hiding me in my bedroom, not wanting to interact with people I didn’t really know. New people are scary, particularly when they want to talk all the time – what if I say something wrong? Or embarrassing? Or can’t think of anything to say? Which is highly likely. But I quickly realised that you can’t get very far in this world if you run away from every conversation, and don’t every now and then step into a room full of strangers. So I learned to hide it– doing a degree in Theatre probably helped immensely, and I found ways to breathe through the anxiety.
But it doesn’t go away. I stand here (well… sit at this desk) and declare that I am still an introvert. I still wish I could run away from people – any people – and live in a cave somewhere. A few months into our relationship, Simon saw first-hand what my anxiety can mean. We were late for a dinner party coming back from a climbing trip. I was tired, sweaty, and longing for a shower, but 4 hours of traffic meant we couldn’t stop off at the sanctuary of home to prepare. Because that’s what introverts need – time to prepare themselves mentally to engage with other people. We had to go straight there, windswept hair and all. I had what you would call a breakdown. Hyperventilating sobs rendered me a pathetic sight, next to a man who thought he’d caught an action girl. I’d spent the day climbing sea cliffs, but the possibility of a room full of friendly people who weren’t yet my friends left me terrified.
Another time we were having two friends over for dinner, and I was looking forward to a well-needed catch up with them. At 5:30pm on my train ride home, I get a call from Simon – “uhh, we’re now having seven people round, two are staying over!”. I immediately felt the desire to disappear. To get off at a different stop and just not be in that tiny one-bed flat, soon to be crammed with nine bodies. I expressed my discomfort (Simon is most definitely an extrovert, and sometimes forgets my need to prepare for battle..!), and went for a 15minute run just to give my head a chance to come to terms with this new arrangement. The dinner was a great success and good fun, but on a Friday night after a long week, it wasn’t what I was expecting.
Just a few days ago, I accepted a rare invitation to socialise – the invitations being rare because I tend not to engage too fully with people and generally discourage too much activity. A habit that has left me feeling somewhat stuck without friends (bar the few I’ve clung on to for years!!). But I bravely said yes, and spent several hours with 5 new people. I nearly ran away between shopping and eating, but managed to hang on. No-one even noticed me spill soy sauce all down my jeans (and phone) after a near-perfect evening of social normality.
I’m never going to be the life of the party. It’s still going to be a daily struggle to smile, talk, and not just hide away. I still have the dream of one day working from home, where I can make my time my own and invest my energy on my terms. But I’m getting better at stamping down the anxiety. At allowing myself to be in situations I don’t like for the benefit of … well … company. Furthering my career. Just being a nice person! It’s difficult and it’s never going to be easy. But it’s possible.
Tonight I’m going to an exercise class on my own. The battle continues…
Just keep being you – screw social “norms”. Who’s normal anyway? Love u xxxxx